“The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” Deuteronomy 31:6, Hebrews 13:5b

Day after day, he slept. Machines breathing for him. Medicines pumping into him. Monitors keeping track of it all. The grueling experience of watching our precious 5 year old boy waste away, lying motionless in a medically induced coma that was necessary to save his life was too much to bear. As time slowly passed, we saw muscle tone leave his face, abdomen, arms and legs. Judah defied doctors’ expectations, continuing to show atypical responses to conventional therapies and trials for the monster seizures that stormed his brain. Moment by moment we prayed, begging God to lift the natural course of the mysterious condition and heal our boy. 

I laid my hands on him to pray again. I was only a few words into the prayer when I saw another massive seizure begin on the monitor. I broke. My husband put his hands on my shoulders.

“I just feel like He’s turned His back on us; like He has turned His face away. Why isn’t He doing something?” I uttered the words through tears as I poured out my heart. We had been struggling through our son’s health crisis for more than a month. 

My feelings at the time were leading me to believe God did not care. He was not acting because, like I had experienced with my earthly dad, He had left. He had abandoned us in our greatest time of need. Something I had done had made Him look unfavorably on me, or even worse, I just wasn’t valuable enough for Him to help.

These feelings could not be further from the truth.

It is said that your first ideas about who God is and what He is like come from your experiences with your first caretakers, usually your parents. What we experience with them is what we tend to attribute to God. Whether we are shamed by them,  compelled to meet an unattainable standard of perfection, mistreated or abandoned, it all impacts the lens through which we look at our heavenly parent. We subconsciously expect Him to act the same way as our earthly examples.

This makes sense. When I think about the deeper issues of the heart, I can trace back to the earliest time I remember feeling rejected or devalued and who was involved. This helps me to track down the lies my experiences lead me to believe in order to replace them with the truth God gives in scripture.

There was so much I needed in those moments of disorienting devastation. Truthfully, I still have moments of wondering why He does not act. God knew exactly what I needed, and He graciously met me in the middle of my pain and confusion. He still does. Although He often does not act as we hope, pray for, or expect, He is always doing good work; Infinitely more than we can see or comprehend. His Word, which continuously promises me His Presence, is a balm to my soul. “I am with you always.” (Matthew 28:20) “I will never leave you or forsake you.” (Deuteronomy 31:6)

The scriptures open my eyes to the truth that suffering and affliction don’t only come to children He does not value or who have disappointed Him, I search the scriptures. I have to remind myself that He indeed, “makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. (Matt. 5:45) I see Job. I see Paul. I see Christ. I see endless examples of people He loved suffering.

In Matthew 14, Jesus made His disciples get into a boat and knowingly sent them off into a scary situation. I can imagine this was not what any of them prayed in their morning requests for protection and calm waters. “The boat was already a considerable distance from land, buffeted by the waves because the wind was against it.” (Matt. 14:24) When they feared for their lives in those moments, they must have felt abandoned. “Why isn’t He doing something?” Yet Jesus knew he would reveal Himself as the son of God in the midst of their most terrifying moment. He went to meet them on the water in the midst of the chaos, and they did not recognize Him. At the end of this story in particular, there is a profession of faith: “Truly you are the son of God.” God still has not responded to our prayers as we have hoped, but He has revealed Himself to us as the true Son of God in remarkable ways.

I soak in the truth of Psalm 23. “He leads me on paths of righteousness for His name’s sake.” (Ps. 23:3) Although this path in particular does not feel like a path of righteousness to me, whatever path He leads His children down always is. Whether that is a path of suffering or ease, I can trust Him to choose best because He is truly a good Father.

I share all this today to remind you, dear friend: that the feeling that He has turned His back on you is simply not true. God has not turned His back on you. He has not abandoned you, acting on some fickle form of conditional human love. He has loved us with an everlasting love from which nothing can separate us. (Romans 8:38-39) NOTHING.

Choose to believe that your good Father is working when we don’t see it. These are His promises. He is purifying in the midst of the fire. (Malachi 3:3) You will not be burned. He is transforming in the flood. The waters will not sweep over you. He is perfecting through endurance of the trial. (Isaiah 43:2) You will be mature and complete, lacking nothing. (James 1:3-4)

“God is not man, that he should lie, or a son of man, that he should change his mind. Has he said, and will he not do it? Or has he spoken, and will he not fulfill it?” (Numbers 23:19)

He values us so passionately, that He came near and gave Himself completely, that He might never have to leave us again. (Romans 5:8) Preach that to your soul when the lies come. He never leaves.

Cheering you on always,