Daddy Issues Part 3

Kendra Pope4 Comments

“But to all who did receive him, to those believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God-children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband’s will, but born of God.” John 1:12

When we returned from our long trip to visit family, our toddler squealed and smiled as we crossed the threshold of our home. Surprised, I looked at my husband and said, “He recognizes we’re home!” I was amazed by his familiarity with his surroundings at such a young age. 

As our family has grown, I’ve watched my husband faithfully father our children. The way he looks into our daughter’s eyes. The times he holds her hand as she navigates the stairs. The smiles he gives when she leans in to give him a goodbye kiss and runs to him with her arms wide open when he returns from work. I was 14 months old when my parents divorced. 

I wonder if I missed the deep sound of his voice or the strong embrace of his arms.

I wonder if I missed the playful tosses into the air or the loving gazes I see my husband give my little girls.

I certainly relished in the love of my mother and won’t discount all the ways she built me.  Still, I wonder if I recognized, even then, how my dad’s absence changed my environment and how that affected me. As I watch my toddlers interact with family and their environment, I’m sure I recognized change. Life without dad would become the new normal; the only normal I have ever known. 

Two years ago I had the pleasure of doing Beth Moore’s study, “The Quest.” I totally recommend it! In one of the beginning chapters she asks questions that are found in scripture to help the reader orient themselves in life’s journey. These  questions are a powerful tool in acknowledging and examining where we are in order to continue on the “quest” with our Heavenly Father. 

The first question is taken from God in the garden with Adam and Eve. After they sinned by disobeying God, He asked them, “Where are you?” (Genesis 3:9) This is a great question to ask ourselves to stop and evaluate where we truly are in life. However, it was Beth’s second question that struck me the most. Adam responds to God’s first questions with a confession. “I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid.” God responds, “Who told you that you were naked?”  This is the basis for the second orienting question: “Who told you that?”  My eyes froze on the question as the simplicity struck me. What we’re told is only as good as the source is honest and trustworthy who spoke it. It was the enemy, and what he told them was a lie. 

What I have discovered is that, like Adam and Eve, I have also been lied to by the enemy. The absence of my father told me a few things about myself: I wasn’t valuable enough to stay around, I wasn’t worth the struggle or sacrifice, and I wasn’t good enough to win his love. Every negative experience I have had with people as I grew only confirmed these lies as I navigated life. 

I want to say something really important here: I’m not blaming my dad or others for my wounds. I’m saying that without somebody speaking my true identity as a daughter of God into me as I grew, my lens was warped. The evidence supporting the lies was all around me. I interpreted my value through the actions and words of other human beings. How I was received or rejected told me more about myself than anything else.  I measured my value by my experience with human beings. This is never solid ground to stand on. 

Who, by their words or actions, told you that you were not valuable? Who told you that you weren’t worth it? That you would never be good enough? Who told you that? As I examined the broken areas of my heart, I found there were many lies I believed. They became my identity. I needed to work for approval. I needed to be good at something to be valuable. I needed to be perfect to be loved… Until God showed me otherwise. 

He brings the healing we need from the wounds we receive. We desperately need to fill our hearts with the truth of who God says we are in His word. We are His beloved daughters. If we don’t establish our identities in who He says we are, we find something or someone to tell us who we are. We become imprisoned in their lies. 

In John 1:12, we see that if we have received and believed in Him we have been given the right to be His children. There is no other condition but belief. As children, we have a natural desire to want to please our earthly fathers and earn their affection. The affection of God, however, is freely given and  cannot be earned. 

In fact, no past failure could ever deter Him from pursuing you. His heart for you is unlike even the most wonderful love we receive from our faithful human father’s in this life. It is better. It is perfect. God’s love is freely given for us to receive and believe,even while He knew how we would sin. He knew we would love ourselves more than anything else. He knew how we would fail and fall, and that we would betray Him. That did not stop His journey to the cross. (Romans 5:8) If we  believe, where we’ve come from and what we’ve done has no say. We have the right to become children of God! In being called children, we inherit everything the scriptures teach as true about children of God. There is endless goodness found in our inheritance!

Our identities are founded on truth. Our value as humans is established by God and not by any circumstance. We were created in His image. (Genesis 1:27) We are carefully crafted in our mother’s wombs by His hand. (Psalm 139:13-14)

What I believed about my value because of the absence of my father was not true. Whether you have a present and engaged dad or not, these lies try to rob us of our true identity as daughters of God. What lies have you believed and WHO TOLD YOU THAT?

Friends, even our best, present and faithful fathers fall short of saving us from mistaken identity. 

The truth is… 

We are perfectly loved. (John 3:16)

We are saved. (Ephesians 2:8)

We are forgiven. (Colossians 1:13-14)

We are new creations. (2  Corinthians 5:17)

We are free. (John 8:36)

Who told you that? God Himself.

Cheering you on always,

Sited from above: Moore, Beth. The Quest. Nashville, Lifeway Press, 2017.

 

Daddy Issues Part 2

Kendra Pope4 Comments

“The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” Deuteronomy 31:6, Hebrews 13:5b

Day after day, he slept. Machines breathing for him. Medicines pumping into him. Monitors keeping track of it all. The grueling experience of watching our precious 5 year old boy waste away, lying motionless in a medically induced coma that was necessary to save his life was too much to bear. As time slowly passed, we saw muscle tone leave his face, abdomen, arms and legs. Judah defied doctors’ expectations, continuing to show atypical responses to conventional therapies and trials for the monster seizures that stormed his brain. Moment by moment we prayed, begging God to lift the natural course of the mysterious condition and heal our boy. 

I laid my hands on him to pray again. I was only a few words into the prayer when I saw another massive seizure begin on the monitor. I broke. My husband put his hands on my shoulders.

“I just feel like He’s turned His back on us; like He has turned His face away. Why isn’t He doing something?” I uttered the words through tears as I poured out my heart. We had been struggling through our son’s health crisis for more than a month. 

My feelings at the time were leading me to believe God did not care. He was not acting because, like I had experienced with my earthly dad, He had left. He had abandoned us in our greatest time of need. Something I had done had made Him look unfavorably on me, or even worse, I just wasn’t valuable enough for Him to help.

These feelings could not be further from the truth.

It is said that your first ideas about who God is and what He is like come from your experiences with your first caretakers, usually your parents. What we experience with them is what we tend to attribute to God. Whether we are shamed by them,  compelled to meet an unattainable standard of perfection, mistreated or abandoned, it all impacts the lens through which we look at our heavenly parent. We subconsciously expect Him to act the same way as our earthly examples.

This makes sense. When I think about the deeper issues of the heart, I can trace back to the earliest time I remember feeling rejected or devalued and who was involved. This helps me to track down the lies my experiences lead me to believe in order to replace them with the truth God gives in scripture.

There was so much I needed in those moments of disorienting devastation. Truthfully, I still have moments of wondering why He does not act. God knew exactly what I needed, and He graciously met me in the middle of my pain and confusion. He still does. Although He often does not act as we hope, pray for, or expect, He is always doing good work; Infinitely more than we can see or comprehend. His Word, which continuously promises me His Presence, is a balm to my soul. “I am with you always.” (Matthew 28:20) “I will never leave you or forsake you.” (Deuteronomy 31:6)

The scriptures open my eyes to the truth that suffering and affliction don’t only come to children He does not value or who have disappointed Him, I search the scriptures. I have to remind myself that He indeed, “makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. (Matt. 5:45) I see Job. I see Paul. I see Christ. I see endless examples of people He loved suffering.

In Matthew 14, Jesus made His disciples get into a boat and knowingly sent them off into a scary situation. I can imagine this was not what any of them prayed in their morning requests for protection and calm waters. “The boat was already a considerable distance from land, buffeted by the waves because the wind was against it.” (Matt. 14:24) When they feared for their lives in those moments, they must have felt abandoned. “Why isn’t He doing something?” Yet Jesus knew he would reveal Himself as the son of God in the midst of their most terrifying moment. He went to meet them on the water in the midst of the chaos, and they did not recognize Him. At the end of this story in particular, there is a profession of faith: “Truly you are the son of God.” God still has not responded to our prayers as we have hoped, but He has revealed Himself to us as the true Son of God in remarkable ways.

I soak in the truth of Psalm 23. “He leads me on paths of righteousness for His name’s sake.” (Ps. 23:3) Although this path in particular does not feel like a path of righteousness to me, whatever path He leads His children down always is. Whether that is a path of suffering or ease, I can trust Him to choose best because He is truly a good Father.

I share all this today to remind you, dear friend: that the feeling that He has turned His back on you is simply not true. God has not turned His back on you. He has not abandoned you, acting on some fickle form of conditional human love. He has loved us with an everlasting love from which nothing can separate us. (Romans 8:38-39) NOTHING.

Choose to believe that your good Father is working when we don’t see it. These are His promises. He is purifying in the midst of the fire. (Malachi 3:3) You will not be burned. He is transforming in the flood. The waters will not sweep over you. He is perfecting through endurance of the trial. (Isaiah 43:2) You will be mature and complete, lacking nothing. (James 1:3-4)

“God is not man, that he should lie, or a son of man, that he should change his mind. Has he said, and will he not do it? Or has he spoken, and will he not fulfill it?” (Numbers 23:19)

He values us so passionately, that He came near and gave Himself completely, that He might never have to leave us again. (Romans 5:8) Preach that to your soul when the lies come. He never leaves.

Cheering you on always, 

Daddy Issues

Kendra Pope2 Comments

A Picture of a Faithful Father

Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress.  He sent out his word and healed them; he rescued them from the grave.

Psalm 107:19-20

The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me… to bind up the broken hearted. Isaiah 61:1

“I want you to say that again,” my counselor said slowly and directly.

“He wasn’t there because he doesn’t love me,” I repeated. (Referring to my earthly dad) It was painful to say the first time. The second time, I couldn’t hold back the tears. I tried. Regardless if the statement was true, it was how his absence made me feel.

I thought to myself, “I just don’t have the emotional energy to process this along with everything else right now.”

I had long known I had what I lovingly refer to as “daddy issues.” It was time to face some of them. Although I will never fully understand how deeply growing up without my earthly father has affected me, God has given me some clarity on much of this festering wound. It’s another space of brokenness in my life that His grace is sufficient to restore.

My heart has broken multiple times and for several different reasons. Some out of my control. Many times, from choices I made. All a result of this groaning world we live in. (Romans 8:22) I’m sure you can relate, friend.

Nobody gets out of this life without heartbreak. Even those of us with fathers in our homes carry daddy wounds. There is no earthly father that is able to love perfectly. Thank God for His graciousness in filling up our holes to make us whole.

Christ came for the broken hearted.

He came for me. He came for you.

To do what? To bind up. To heal. To save.

Not so that we could push our sadness down and away, and some how (although we never really do) leave it behind, but so we could experience the emptiness here and now and allow Him to come in and fill it with Himself.

Healing doesn’t mean moving on, but it does mean stepping forward. Healing means living in freedom with our broken hearts mended. We may walk with a limp, but we walk in freedom. He indeed binds up and as He binds, we are changed, forever. For the better.

He is well acquainted with grief. (Isaiah 53:3) Fall into the arms of a Savior who understands brokenness completely, (Hebrews 4:15) and broke Himself because of it.

Sadness will come again. It will come and don’t let anyone tell you not to let it, especially yourself. Don’t tuck it away to protect anyone. Don’t push it down because you don’t have the time. Find your safe places to process it.

In the meantime, remember that you have a heavenly father who has and is doing more than any earthly father ever could. Click here to read Psalm 107. I love the picture it gives of our faithful heavenly Father. He rescues. (6) He leads. (7) He faithfully loves. (8) He provides. (9) He disciplines. (12) He saves. (13b-14) He fights. (14b) He heals.(20) He orchestrates. (25) He guides. (30b) He defends. (40-41)

This is your Father. (Psalm 68:5)

The wounds of this life are fierce and our God is ferocious. He will stop at nothing in pursuit of our broken hearts.

Jesus would later pull out the scroll of Isaiah in the temple and declare that He was the fulfillment of this prophecy. (Luke 4:18-19)

He is the “everlasting father” we long for. (Isaiah 9:6) He is able to parent perfectly.

When hope is real…
I am loved by a faithful father.

Cheering you on,


#neverwithouthope #whenhopeisreal #faithfulfather

I Am Hope

Kendra Pope4 Comments

A Poem

I am heavy. I am confused. I am angry. I am weak.

It’s too much to carry. In fact, I know I cannot.

I try to fight. I try to see. I try to breath.

Get this off of me. Take it away.

Take me away.

I don’t want to talk about what is normal. I don’t want to hear about what is new and normal. I don’t want to smell his pillow in his empty room. I don’t want to see his clothes packed in a box.

I am not hungry. I am not happy. I am not whole.

I can’t feel. I can’t sing. I can’t laugh.

I want his voice. I want his laughter. I want his touch. I want his smile.

I am grief, fresh from the womb of love.

You are light. You are ordered. You are peace. You are strong.

You carry me.

You have won. You see all things. You give breath.

Nothing is impossible for you. You took it.

Hold me now.

You are supernatural. You never change. You fill empty space. You provide all we need.

You fill me. You are happiness. You are whole.

You carry me. You rejoice over me. You are my joy.

You do not leave me wanting.

I am hope, fresh from the womb of love.

#whenhopeisreal #neverwithouthope #iamhope

Hope Anchors

Kendra Pope

Can I have your permission to throw it back even though it’s not Thursday? I didn’t think you’d mind. “Hope Floats” was a popular movie starring Sandra Bullock that was out when I was young (er).:-) In it, a woman finds herself struggling to recover after a devastating and embarrassing divorce.

She reflects on her life a lot when she heads to mamas house to find herself again. Hard times and unpredictable circumstances can cause us to lose ourselves a bit, can’t they? They certainly cause us to wish we didn’t have to live through them.

Reflection is a normal part of our search.

How did I get here? Did I take a wrong turn? Why me? Why Him? How could this happen? You get the search.

Sometimes we find answers and sometimes we don’t. We would be completely destitute if our hope was in answers.

In painful circumstances we have a unique opportunity to trust God more deeply. Unique because we see Him showing Himself in unique ways to those suffering throughout the scriptures. Our enemy would have us stay “beefed” with our Savior because of the “unfairness” of it all. He would love us to turn away and run, as if God will not meet us wherever we run. Our Savior calls us to trust.

He longs for our trust. He longs for our single mindedness. Our single heartedness. (Matthew 22:37) He never promised understanding, He promised grace (2 Corinthians 12:9) and wisdom (James 1:5)

Many times, we have to trust God with the answers we may never get. When I stop chasing understanding, there is space for transformation. Believing, not understanding is our Father’s heart for us. Who can understand the super natural? When I believe Him, I’m able to breath again.

I’m able to get up again.

I’m able to take one step forward again.

Believing what God says in the darkest hour marks a life of REAL HOPE. True hope is found in in Him ALONE.

I know deeply that all of this does not always feel true.

In fact, when I watch my son’s seizures begin while I am praying over him for healing or suffer through an uncontrolled coughing spell on an almost daily basis, I want to quit. Nothing on this side of heaven infuriates this mama more. My faith has never been so challenged as it is in my pain; in my son’s pain. Can you relate?

Fighting-and it is truly a feud for the centuries-to believe the truth when our circumstances seem to contradict it is a wrestling match well worth having. In these battles, truth always wins and anchors our hope.

Here are a couple of helpful definitions for us as we wade through all this “hope” talk.

First, faith. Faith is resting confidence in a promise. Kind of like sitting and resting completely on the object you are now. (your chair, couch, etc) Your full weight is in it. You believe it will hold you up. That’s why you sat in it. Although you have not yet seen the complete promise fulfilled, (you haven’t gotten up from the place of rest yet, so you won’t know until you do) you are resting in it.

Hope is confident expectation of the fulfillment of a promise.

Faith believes the promise.

Hope confidently expects the fulfillment of the promise.

Our hope is only as good as the promise to which it is tied.

What is the promise to which our hope is tied?

The promise of eternal salvation through Jesus Christ (and TONS of other amazing promises God lays out for His children in His word-the Bible). (John 3:16)

From the mouth of God, we have a promise (eh-hem, many promises) that we can confidently expect.

No. Matter. What. Sucker. Punches. Knock. The. Breath. Out. Of. Us. (see how I tried to get you to slow down there…:-))

Hope breaths. Hope moves. Hope lives. Hope anchors.

Not based on some ever changing, unpredictable circumstance, but Based on the promise of God.

Our hope does not float. THANK GOD. There is a lot more in store for us at the end of our movie than a slow dance with a cowboy!

“We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.” Hebrews 6:19

When hope is REAL…

I live a life full of it.

Cheering you on,

#whenhopeisreal #neverwithouthope

Reflect with me for a few minutes. Are there things in this life, other than Jesus that I have put my hope in? Good things? Bad things? Is my hope in my comfortable circumstances? (great journal writing to do here or you can share in the comments if you’re brave! ;-))

Don’t Move

The best words to begin 2020!

Kendra Pope

“Stand still. Don’t. Move.”

It’s something I’ve said to my children over the years in several different situations. Whether it be swatting a stinging bug off of their head or keeping them from carelessly jumping into a busy street.

When I say it, I mean it and it’s for their protection.

In John 15:9, we read Jesus saying these words to His kids. “As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love.”

Remain in my love.

Jesus is being blatantly clear on where we should abide as His children.

Don’t. Move.

Why? Because as he says a few verses before, “Apart from me, you can do nothing.” Obviously, we can still do things, but Jesus, as He always is speaks here of things of eternal value.

We read the results of remaining a bit further down in the text.

>>> We will have joy. (John 15:11)

>>> We will love others as He loves us. (John 15:12)

>>>We will have a friendship with the one true King. (John 15:14)

>>>We will bear fruit that will last. (John 15:16)

Confession: Sometimes I feel like God doesn’t love me because of my circumstances. Pain, loss, and disappointment can all tempt us to RUN from His love, not REMAIN in it. In fact, those very words have come out of my mouth from deep places of pain in my heart.

Who wants to remain in a love that can hurt so deeply? A love that doesn’t guarantee circumstances that I’m uncomfortable with?

A love that sent this same Jesus to a bloody cross…

...and a glorious resurrection.

I’ll tell you who. Someone who knows the lover.

As we get to know His intentions and believe He is who He says He is in His word, we will begin to shutter at the thought of NOT remaining in His love. We know it is our only TRUE place of safety and rest. Every other place we try to create only leaves us epically disappointed.

We aren’t good at remaining, being still and abiding in one place for a long period of time. So, what might it look like to remain in Jesus’ love? As His children, it’s important that we know.

There are a few things I’m intentional about practicing to “remain in His love.”

I force myself to be completely honest with Him about what is going on and how I’m feeling. I stop hiding from Him. He already knows anyway.

I make time to read His word. It’s there if I look for it. I stop avoiding His presence.

Then I believe what He says in it. I stop rejecting truth.

The choice is clear for me today. Will I be a “runner” or a “remainer?” (totally made that word up just for you… you’re welcome ;-))

Let today, the first day of 2020, be the day you’re a child who trusts their parent’s command…

Remain in His love. It’s for our best. There are no better words to begin 2020 with.

Cheering you on Always,

Kendra

#whenhopeisreal #neverwithouthope